As Night Falls…

In the stillness of night and early morning, that's when I'm at peace with myself and with the world. Everything is so quiet and tranquil. The calming silence so still, it's almost as if I can reach out and grab in my hand. But no matter how hard I try to grab it, it always escapes my grasp.

Wisp's of air so fragile so endearing to the touch yet so brittle. So liberating yet it's something that can only be felt by one when the soul is vulnerable and completely naked to the world. But many a times, we block out many things. People, feelings, emotions just so we can feel safe…

We become hardened and toughened because in this world harm is rampant. But in doing so, we hurt countless people along the way. We push them aside; brush them off, yell at them. Yet most of them come in peace, willing to help us, even with the intention of sharing what's making them vexed about life. But because of the lies and hurts we've been through, we misjudge them and perceive them as a threat. I admit. I am like that. I know I have hurt people and I'm terribly sorry.
I find it hard to be completely honest with people. Not that I don't want to, but because, well, just because? The only time I can really be honest with myself is at night. When everyone's asleep and the harsh glare of the world is absent.

The calming night air permeates my soul and releases me from the things I fear of. Free from the clutches of fear and totally enabling me to be myself.
For those few hours, everything will be alright. It is these few precious hours that I have for myself and away from everyone else. And in those reminiscing hours, time seems to stop and memories return. And that's when I feel like I am experiencing everything once again.

I know that all my efforts to bring back the past will be futile. Everything that has past will stay that way. Nevertheless, even all I hold dear now will eventually lose its existence in my world. Even materialistic possessions like rings and necklaces, things that reflect their true dazzling side when placed in your hand will eventually fade. The only things that will stay are the memories that we have shared. And they will stay on forever in our hearts where no one can touch.

No man can taint the moments that we have spent with the people around us. Memories may fade away, they never really disappear. It is just hiding and waiting for the right moment to resurface again.
If you ever happen to see me at night with my eyes shut, be it sitting on a bench, or lying under the stars. Just leave me be for those few hours and I will be eternally grateful to you.

thank You for this post!

A thousand thoughts

My mind is filled with a thousand thoughts. Gazing at the stars outside the window, I started to ponder about the happenings recently.
Looking back, life seems to be so simple yet perfect. In the past, I was a cheerful and active person, nothing seems to bring me down and I always believe that we should live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment of it. Happy and smiling from the bottom of my heart with such joy that I could find in those happenings and events.

But now, everything seems to be so complicated. I just felt like I had lost this battle, my heart and soul are in turmoil. I'm tossed into confusion and fear for myself. I'm a weakling, I can vouch for it. I failed to take over my own emotions, and it's hard to fake a smile where my lips could barely open.
A tear falls and I realize life will never be the same again. Another tear came down and I know it's too late for everything. I'm not whom I used to be. I can neither smile nor weep and what's left in me are sorrows and sadness. Let the past become the memories for tomorrow, but am I determined to do that?

My emotions are no longer tainted with reason.
The light laughter that bubbles on my lip often mantles over the depth of sadness, and the serious look may be sober veil that comes a divine peace and joy, in the night, it will be a painful frivolity, sleeping in the cold night's arms.

We never understand how little we need in this world until we know the loss of it. The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we waited for so long to begin it. The greatness comes not when things go the way you wanted, but the greatness comes when you are really tested, when you took some knocks, some disappointments, and the experience of setbacks. If only you have been into the deepest valley, you will know and understand how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.
Feelings aren't supposed to be logical. There's a lot to be said for self delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart. There is a time for departure even where there is no certain place you could head to. Some of us may think that holding on makes us feel stronger; but sometimes it's letting go instead.

Whatever it is, I hope for the best.
明天会更好...

Month of February to the Month of March

23rd February 2008, just a little recap of school life this past few months. Hey it's only been an absence of like couple of weeks in my old blog! I'm not like dead just because I've not posted any new entries, just have been exceptionally busy. So much had happened and things have been flooding my mind that I wanted to pen in all down in my blog. As much as I wanted to though, I've not had much time to actually post them all. For now, holiday has come, and definitely it will be a rest period for me, not exactly slack throughout but instead getting myself a job and as well as preparations for the upcoming final year project.

But on a personal note, despite being extremely busy at present moment, I'm really happy , something which I've not felt for quite awhile, genuine peace and joy. It was as though I'd found a specific direction and focus in my life now.

February is supposed to be the month of love, which Chinese New Year and Valentines falls on. But 2008 seems to be the emo month of Feb with all the mishaps and complications. I think some monster kidnapped Cupid together with his Love Arrows and instead, have been going about spreading the animosity all around. Looking back at last year Feb, I felt it was much sweeter back then, realizing also that things had changed so dramatically.

I recalled once I had this relationship, was force to end it due to not being able to fulfill the commitment we had pledged earlier. And to put it bluntly, there's just been that invisible wall there ever since. Feelings still quite unsettled yet, and what I do hope is that time will heal them all. But I guess, even though we don’t talk to each other anymore, it was pretty cool seeing her in church every Sunday.

Relationship isn't that simple after all. You know it's so saddening when you see friends struggling with them as well as the pain they are going through right now and there's nothing you can do to help them, except to be there for them when they need you although that doesn’t work all the time. I do understand their feelings right now, and the time they had been through all this while cos having experienced it yourself, you'll be able to read the situation better.

Love is complex. It's a feeling and emotion that only you can feel deep inside. No matter how hard anyone else try to comfort and console or even counsel you(even if it makes sense when you think back one day), nothing gets into your head, just feeling lost and hopeless in that period of time.
But I wouldn't put love in such a negative light, cos when you're in it, it is such a surreal feeling, except that it's really happening. You'll feel really happy and nothing else in the world would seem to matter, as that special someone already is the world to you. Like I said, love can never be expressed the way it truly is, by words or thoughts… It's a (special) feeling from within.

I mean, it sounds really cliché, but if you're a normal human being with an emotion, and you’ve been through a relationship, you’ll know what its like. What I reckon the most important is, being "rationale" in this sort of situation, in a way that you think with your heart, and not with your head to "do the thing I think would be right". Don't end up losing something you feel strongly about just to play Mr/Miss Righteous. Fight for what you want and don't ever let go of it.
Besides, I can basically summarize my life in a few categories. Life (in general, my thoughts, feelings, aspirations, etc), love, family, friends, future ambitions and endeavors, education, music and sports.
Categories I've just mentioned may be fulfilled in this coming month of March and will be the definitive month for the rest of my life. It is the month where things will happen, changes will be made, will be taking the first step into the world of uncertainty and just go forth to where I really want to be.

Everything is too profound and in the dark (well I have to keep it that way) at present moment. Changes may be shocking, even I am anticipating in anxiety, fear, hope, and every descriptive emotion word that exists in the dictionary.

Looking forward to the month of March, coming my way soon…

Chinese New Year Concert 2008

Helping out in the CNY concert as a backstage crew practically juiced out every ounce of energy I had in me. So exhausting it was, when I laid down to rest for a while, I totally dozed off without even knowing!

I suppose all of the backstage crew members including those committee members involved in the concert must have been exhausted as well! 3 concerts in 2 days plus every other preparation before the show commences. On the first night, I caught the whole concert live from the back. It was a great experience of having the opportunity to watch the live performance.

Imagine having slept very little the entire night, and having to revise for the upcoming papers upon reaching home, I almost dropped dead at home. Needing to be extremely focus and enthusiastic running the backstage wasn't a simple task, and thankfully everything was fine and nothing went wrong though my mind was partially malfunctioning due to the lack of sleep.

So then the first night started off well and everything went very smoothly. The whole performance was fantastic, we had stars from HK, Taiwan, China, Malaysia and even the States...!
Speaking of the performance, the first item was presented by our very own Pastor Ling, he went off with a new style show casing some dance moves in combination with the song he wrote. People were off their seats as the groove and tempo of the beat rocks the whole indoor stadium, for I can say it was a blast. Ervine and me were trying to inmitate some of the moves having saw the dancers rehearsing couple of times. Moving on to the next item, he continued with a song specially written for chinese new year named "xing de yi nian". Love that piece of music as well, was humming that some even after it was played.

Emcees of the night were Moses Lim and Huang Shu Fang, thought they really did a great job in hosting, with their jokes on stage, getting everyone's attention for the next few items coming up.
It was Huntley Brown the pianist next, that moment was special. It was wonderful, sweet music in the air got everyone into deep thoughts, it was the best time to some reflection and thanksgiving. I prayed and teared, having encounter so many upsets and problems along the way, and to overcome it time and time again wasn't easy.
Followed by Zorina London bringing some of the oldies, songs by Deng Li Jun got everyone involvement as they sang along.
Xiao Dong Shan and stars like Cheng Song Ling and Wang Zhen Lei sang some of their own songs as well.

Tian Yun He Chang Tuan was one of the highlight of that night. Sang some of the Christian songs they composed, pretty similar to Stream Of Praise, but felt that they were much better. Included one of my favourite songs into this blog - you can hear it if you turn on your volume, named "Xian Shang Zhu Fu".

The climax came when they sang the Hokkien song and yes, the introduction of Sun Yue also certainly brought its atmosphere to its highest.
Well, the concert ended in a solemn way as many non-believers accepted Christ.

But I was happy that I've made a couple of friends, as well as enjoyed some photo taking with some of the stars and some autograph signing. It definitely has been the most memorable experience I ever had.
Uploaded it here already, enjoyed viewing! 


>>Huntley Brown the Pianist and backstage crew


>>Xiao Zong Shan the Saxophonist and backstage crew


>>Singer Zorina and backstage crew


>>Doris the Founder of Tian Yun and backstage crew


>>Tian Yun Guys and backstage crew


>>Tian Yun Ladies and backstage crew


>>Pastor Ling Yu Zhong and backstage crew


>>HK Superstar Chen Song Ling and backstage crew


>>Backstage crew

Valentine?

Valentine's Day was supposed to be a lovely night for all couples wanting to spend some tender moments together, for me instead goes no date, only lucky enough to have my friends’ company.
Somehow, I've learnt that brooding over incidents isn't a constructive way of resolving issues neither can it makes me feel better though I usually cant help but to. I really need to get everything off my chest instead of bottling it all up, so here I am, blogging…

Well, there're times when you look at others and you crave to have the same, especially on this very special day when you feel it even more. What I feel isn't jealousy or even envy, I'm just upset. Saddened by the fact that I'm not being able to possess the love I wanted but instead, glance as an onlooker of others' success.

I'm not whining and sighing. Though I keep finding myself repeatedly stumbling over the question "why not me?" No doubt that I'm genuinely happy for the people and their love but deep down inside, I feel utterly speechless for my failure.

That's how I'm feeling right now, imagine having the embodiment of your hopes, dreams and aspirations taken away from you. Looking around, others scaled to greater heights having sweeter relationships than you once had. Now the sweetest memories are hurting the hardest.
What a year it has been, in this day I do wish everybody a happy valentine day. Creativity and individuality are the keys to being truly romantic. "Flowers, candy, movies, dinners, chocolates, jewelry, champagne", certainly satisfy generic romance. And most importantly, is the LOVE.

No one will stay single forever, next year will be a better valentines.

Emo Days

I was at the botanical gardens the other day, went there in search of some fresh air, I just needed a break everything else. Felt the urge to sort out the cacophony of recent events and to calm my nerves for the upcoming papers.
I was at the swan lake, lying down on the green meadow, glancing up at the clear blue sky, I was led to recall the beautiful moments I had once been through. The wrenching sense of bittersweet,
I couldn't hold back my tears.

It has been a long stretch of uneasy days, can I hold out much longer? I'm still struggling to my feet since that blow which hit me so hard.
There've been many times when I feel so alone in this world...In moments as such, I have the luxury to recount precious memories, sweet and sour. The memories, surpassing the decay of time, added a whole new sense of joy… and I'm just really thankful for the people around me…

I'm fine people, though I have yet to over come it. And indeed I do fall into pits of self pittance and unhealthy doses of emotions.
But hey, I'm beginning to take a more optimistic approach to life, and have seen my goals clearer. Indulge myself in happiness. Hang out with those close friends of yours, have faith in God, believing that He will make a way, a beautiful plans already drawn out for you, waiting to be uncovered and to be revealed to you someday.
In such period of isolation, you’ll learn that God is always there with you, not forgetting too those true friends… the ones who really care.

I hope this Valentine's Day as well as any other Valentine's Day, though in the midst of misery and in search of another true love(or not), I can fall deeper in love with Christ Jesus my Lord.
And keep the flame of hope ablaze…